Hey InsaneJournal - Nice Ass!
Name: Dr. Stephen Tyrone Colbert, Doctor of Fine Arts (Honorary)
Age: 44
Occupation: Pundit/Hero.
Personality: In a nutshell, Stephen is a well-intentioned, poorly-informed high-status idiot; an egomaniacal, hyper-patriotic, ultra-right wing, fact-hating, God-fearing, xenophobic, ursaphobic pundit of doom who professes to be politically independent even as he fawns over President Bush and the Republican party. He is perhaps best summed up by his own five-word speech at the 2008 Webby Awards: "Me, me, me, me, me!"
He is deeply self-centered and takes everything personally. There is no news story too big to be related back to him directly. Mike Huckabee wins the Iowa Caucus? It's only because he got the Colbert Bump by appearing on Stephen's show. Korean pop star Rain beats Stephen in the Time 100 online poll? The singer is clearly leading a direct assault on the Colbert Nation. He craves attention and validation and can't stand it when he's not being showered with the praise he so clearly deserves.
Although Stephen genuinely does mean well and wants to do the right thing, he simply doesn't have the tools to accomplish it, being completely devoid of intellectual curiosity and bull-headedly stubborn in his refusal to accept any views that differ even slightly from his own. Everything he says is right, and nothing anybody says or does is going to change that. He hates reading, regards all intellectuals with hostility and would gladly do away with all logical thought, preferring to rely on the judgement of his gut. Everything is visceral for Stephen: the truth isn't something that can be scientifically proven, but rather whatever feels right to him.
Underneath all of his bluster and bravado, however, Stephen is in fact a very weak person. He'll revel in all of his rightness while he has (or believes he has) the upper hand, but when the tables are turned or when something seriously contradicts the reality he's constructed, he'll crumble in an instant.
Special Skills: Gravitas. Dignity. Balls.Juggling. (Also surprisingly talented singer and dancer.)
Weaknesses:BEARS. Although he's basically well-intentioned, Stephen is hampered by his own stupidity, stubbornness and total lack of intellectual curiosity. Despite his outward bravado, he's essentially a very weak person who breaks at the first sign of adversity.
History: Stephen T. Colbert was born and raised in Charleston, South Carolina, the youngest of eleven children in a devout Catholic family. How devout, you may ask? Well, put it this way: When, as a teenager, he developed an interest in Dungeons and Dragons, his parents reacted by sending him to an exorcism day camp. An unpopular child in high school who was regularly beaten up by the jocks, by the time he left for college Stephen was determined never to be made a victim again. He knew that unless he wanted to remain an underdog for the rest of his life, he would have to assert his dominance from the outset which is why, on the first day of his freshman year, Stephen walked into class and punched the first person he saw. This may even have worked, had the person in question not happened to be his ethics professor.
He attended Dartmouth College - having been accepted not so much as a result of his academic prowess as it was a product of a manufactured familial relationship with a very wealthy donor - and achieved the honour of graduating in the top 47 per cent of his class with a major in history. Ever dedicated to serving his country, no sooner had the young Colbert claimed his degree than he had enrolled for active service... in the Marina Core. As a member of the principle (or "core") group of employees at a Charleston marina Stephen would daily put his life on the line, braving sunburn, mild dehydration and slightly sore feet in the name of God, country and paycheck. He would later serve several tours of duty in the Hair Force, that being the name of his aunt's beauty salon. Sadly, a tragic blow-dryer accident and his consequent firing would spell an end to Stephen's military career. Saddled with an honourable discharge, Colbert set forth to embark on a new chapter of his life, a civilian in search of direction.
After a brief stint as lead singer and guitarist of the unknown 80s rock sensation Stephen and the Colberts he found this direction in the most unlikely field of journalism. He made a name for himself as a correspondent for a number of local news stations in Virginia and North Carolina, but did not rise to real prominence until 1997, when he was promoted to lead anchor of the Channel 7 News on WPTS Patterson Springs after outing former anchor Wayne Colt for his cocaine addiction. His ensuing investigative reports into Colt's downward spiral into depression and destitution earned him a local Emmy and attracted the eye of The Daily Show's producers, who soon after offered him a correspondent position. It was his performance here (and not, as some detractors have suggested, the threat of making a series of incriminating photos of Jon Stewart public) that in 2005 earned him his own news show, The Colbert Report.
And from there, things could only go up. The past few years have been a whirlwind of success for Stephen. His show is a roaring success, the Colbert Nation is stronger than ever, his book has not only topped the bestseller list of those commies at the New York Times but was also recently awarded prestigious the Stephen T. Colbert Award for The Literary Excellence. Not to mention his Doritos-sponsored presidential bid and the ensuing Peabody!
Yes, he's looking over your shoulder... but only because he's got your back.
Freedom Fact Fract: Stephen conducts a regular correspondence with Santa in which he continually amends and adds to his list of Christmas demands and acts as a secret informant, relaying the naughtiness or niceness of his peers. The letters most often take Stephen's usual belligerent tone with veiled threats that, should Saint Nick not come through on his Christmas wishes, Stephen will no longer believe in him. However, as Christmas ticks closer they regularly adopt a more conciliatory style, beginning as appeasement and unfailingly degenerating into pathetic grovelling and promises that he'll be good, really, if only Santa doesn't bring him coal this year.
...He doesn't realise that his staff have never actually sent a single letter.
Disclaimer: Both "Stephen" and Stephen belong to people considerably more talented than me.
Age: 44
Occupation: Pundit/Hero.
Personality: In a nutshell, Stephen is a well-intentioned, poorly-informed high-status idiot; an egomaniacal, hyper-patriotic, ultra-right wing, fact-hating, God-fearing, xenophobic, ursaphobic pundit of doom who professes to be politically independent even as he fawns over President Bush and the Republican party. He is perhaps best summed up by his own five-word speech at the 2008 Webby Awards: "Me, me, me, me, me!"
He is deeply self-centered and takes everything personally. There is no news story too big to be related back to him directly. Mike Huckabee wins the Iowa Caucus? It's only because he got the Colbert Bump by appearing on Stephen's show. Korean pop star Rain beats Stephen in the Time 100 online poll? The singer is clearly leading a direct assault on the Colbert Nation. He craves attention and validation and can't stand it when he's not being showered with the praise he so clearly deserves.
Although Stephen genuinely does mean well and wants to do the right thing, he simply doesn't have the tools to accomplish it, being completely devoid of intellectual curiosity and bull-headedly stubborn in his refusal to accept any views that differ even slightly from his own. Everything he says is right, and nothing anybody says or does is going to change that. He hates reading, regards all intellectuals with hostility and would gladly do away with all logical thought, preferring to rely on the judgement of his gut. Everything is visceral for Stephen: the truth isn't something that can be scientifically proven, but rather whatever feels right to him.
Underneath all of his bluster and bravado, however, Stephen is in fact a very weak person. He'll revel in all of his rightness while he has (or believes he has) the upper hand, but when the tables are turned or when something seriously contradicts the reality he's constructed, he'll crumble in an instant.
Special Skills: Gravitas. Dignity. Balls.
Weaknesses:
History: Stephen T. Colbert was born and raised in Charleston, South Carolina, the youngest of eleven children in a devout Catholic family. How devout, you may ask? Well, put it this way: When, as a teenager, he developed an interest in Dungeons and Dragons, his parents reacted by sending him to an exorcism day camp. An unpopular child in high school who was regularly beaten up by the jocks, by the time he left for college Stephen was determined never to be made a victim again. He knew that unless he wanted to remain an underdog for the rest of his life, he would have to assert his dominance from the outset which is why, on the first day of his freshman year, Stephen walked into class and punched the first person he saw. This may even have worked, had the person in question not happened to be his ethics professor.
He attended Dartmouth College - having been accepted not so much as a result of his academic prowess as it was a product of a manufactured familial relationship with a very wealthy donor - and achieved the honour of graduating in the top 47 per cent of his class with a major in history. Ever dedicated to serving his country, no sooner had the young Colbert claimed his degree than he had enrolled for active service... in the Marina Core. As a member of the principle (or "core") group of employees at a Charleston marina Stephen would daily put his life on the line, braving sunburn, mild dehydration and slightly sore feet in the name of God, country and paycheck. He would later serve several tours of duty in the Hair Force, that being the name of his aunt's beauty salon. Sadly, a tragic blow-dryer accident and his consequent firing would spell an end to Stephen's military career. Saddled with an honourable discharge, Colbert set forth to embark on a new chapter of his life, a civilian in search of direction.
After a brief stint as lead singer and guitarist of the unknown 80s rock sensation Stephen and the Colberts he found this direction in the most unlikely field of journalism. He made a name for himself as a correspondent for a number of local news stations in Virginia and North Carolina, but did not rise to real prominence until 1997, when he was promoted to lead anchor of the Channel 7 News on WPTS Patterson Springs after outing former anchor Wayne Colt for his cocaine addiction. His ensuing investigative reports into Colt's downward spiral into depression and destitution earned him a local Emmy and attracted the eye of The Daily Show's producers, who soon after offered him a correspondent position. It was his performance here (and not, as some detractors have suggested, the threat of making a series of incriminating photos of Jon Stewart public) that in 2005 earned him his own news show, The Colbert Report.
And from there, things could only go up. The past few years have been a whirlwind of success for Stephen. His show is a roaring success, the Colbert Nation is stronger than ever, his book has not only topped the bestseller list of those commies at the New York Times but was also recently awarded prestigious the Stephen T. Colbert Award for The Literary Excellence. Not to mention his Doritos-sponsored presidential bid and the ensuing Peabody!
Yes, he's looking over your shoulder... but only because he's got your back.
...He doesn't realise that his staff have never actually sent a single letter.
Disclaimer: Both "Stephen" and Stephen belong to people considerably more talented than me.